Star Studded Affair...

Celebrity look-a-likes I saw today:

Charlie from Lost (I realize he's an actor with an actual name and he was a hobbit and all that, but this guy had the Charlie look down to the scruffy beard, blonde mop, and dirty hoodie. So I'm tagging him as Charlie instead of Merry or Pippin or whichever one he was. I half expected the dead girl from Brick to be chasing him down the street yelling "CHAAA-LAAAY! MAH BAY-BAY!")

Uncle Buck (this guy didn't look exactly like Candy or anything, but he had the layers and the coat and the hat and the cigar... I wanted to ask him for a giant pancake but was afraid he'd show me his hatchet instead)

Grace Jones (circa whichever era had her with the massive flat top... so basically her whole life)

Charles Bronson (It was pretty dark... it might have actually been the ghost of Charles Bronson)

I really should have gotten some autographs...

ed
star
struck(out)

TEN YEARS MAN! TEN!... TEN YEARS!

We are now mere hours away from my 10 year high school reunion...

I should have written this much earlier and filled it with predictions and snarky commentary of things to come...

But I'm leaving to get dragged up and down the basketball court by my father soon, so you'll have to settle for this heads up that a full debrief will be coming afterwards.

ed
working on
cover story about
life as an astronaut,
millionaire, third baseman in the
russian summer leagues

I don't care.

I absolutely could not possibly care any less about the NBA finals. My heartfelt thanks go out to Cleveland for rolling over and dying as quickly as humanly possible.

The NBA is already a fairly unwatchable product. Add to that a man whose nickname is "The Big Fundamental" and I'm officially uninterested. I mean c'mon... this is a sport that has given us some of the great nicknames in sports history:
Magic Johnson
Air Jordan
Pistol Pete
The Answer
Agent Zero (although I think he gave that one to himself, which makes it dubious)
Dr. J
The Iceman (not Val Kilmer)
The Pasty Gangster
Clyde the Glide
the Dream
the Admiral
Half Man Half Amazing (known pejoratively as Wince Carter)
the Hawk
the Human Highlight Film
Nate the Great
The Round Mound of Rebound
World Be Free! (to be fair I think that one was his actual name... but still, it's fucking rad)

These names give off an air of excellence. A proud tradition and history from streetball legends to NBA dynasties... and the best you can come up with is a name that evokes images of a well placed two handed chest pass and a picture perfect lay-up drill.


So fuck you Tim Duncan. Fuck you Spurs. And fuck you NBA. Go rest up from your long ass post season... I'm pretty sure the pre-season starts in about 45 minutes.

ed
watching
baseball
highlights


P.S. Yes. I left Karl Malone off the list on purpose. Fuck him, his monster truck, and his aspirations towards Pro Wrestling.

It's Photo-rific...

Look over there------------>

See that? It's a new feature that allows me to show a picture of my greezy mug that I take everyday. That's right. A new picture of yours truly EVERY FREAKING DAY! It's like I'm watching you... Judging you... Reading your brain...

Sorry.

At the very least I figure I'm providing a service to my dieting readers who can use this picture as an appetite suppressant.

I do what I can because I care about each and every one of you.

ed
saying
cheeeeeeeese

It's just like my regular blog... only with actual entries.

This entry comes to you courtesy of good gin, cheap tonic, bottled lime juice, sausage sammiches, Firefly dvds, and insomnia.

As a now former coffee jockey I find myself occasionally staying up past the ungodly hour of 9pm. Lucky for you that means more non-sensical musings from me. And less productive use of your internet time than ever before.

So as I said I'm no longer slinging lattes to the chi chi masses of Walnut Creek, which comes as a disappointment to no one. This change was brought about by new opportunities presented to me as well as an inability to continue working without putting my immediate superior into a camel clutch and making him beg to make the pain stop.

So I moved on. And I feel great about it. About the only thing I'll miss is the people I worked with. A sentiment I expressed to my former co-workers in a note that was summarily removed by the aforementioned future camel clutch victim. So if you are or ever cross paths with any of my former co-workers please let them know that I miss them.

I also have a birthday iminent. I am fine with this. Although I've decided that this is the last year that I get older. From here on out I will either be getting younger or staying the same age. I am in control here.

I looooooooooove me some rambling, but the gin makes it worse, so i'll be signing off now.

I apoligize for the lack of actual content here. My coffee jockey manifesto is in the works... And it includes the phrase motherfucking latte at least once.

ed
gin soaked
and happy as a
well rested clam

i am out of the hosue...

things i have encountered so far today...

a post office that smelled like a 2 day old combo platter from a shitty taco cart.

a pair of charming gentlemen who seemed to be putting in overtime at their high paying jobs of crossing the street professionally.

a coffee shop that was out of coffee.

not one, but two near naps. or nappus interuptus as it is commonly known. once by phone call. once by what i can only imagine was a cement truck full of marbles, kittens, and firecrackers driving by.

ok, this one didn't happen to me, but i read about it and it's fucked up...
someone stole the fucking maltese falcon. sam spade's gonna find that fucker.

i think they finished the coffee... more later... maybe, but probably not.

ed
sipping
a nice hot
cup
of nothing

half time report II

where's jerome?

ed
morris?

half time report...

i am much drinking!!!

GO BEARS!

prince is on. all is well. are reports true that he is a jehova's witness?

please reply.

ed
needing
beer and dip

work station 2.0...

so i had to quickly hook up our second (soon to be primary) computer in order to get ahold of a file. in the process i inadvertently created the greatest work station in the history of man, woman, or beast (sabertooth tigers specifically were know for their kick ass home office set-ups).

observe:

and from another angle:


with the aid of wireless mouse and keyboard i have created a working envornment that is unequaled by any P.O.S. ikea abomination....

it is choice. if you have the means i highly recommend you create one for yourself.

ed
reclining whilst
typing...
jealous?

ho ho fricken ho...

had a lights out christmas type occasion.

met this guy.

and he didn't even spit on me.

ed
not spitting

it's snowing in detroit...

dear fox network,

stop it. just stop it. the flashing lights. the animated graphics. the beeping and clanking and laser effects. i'm trying to watch a fucking baseball game here. if i wanted to play a video game i'd go and play a goddamn video game. it's the playoffs. it's the world series. you don't need to make it MORE exciting! it's exciting enough. it's october baseball for reggie jackson's sake. stop trying to court the playstation crowd.

thank you,
ed
a baseball fan

survivors will envy the dead...

fact: i spend most of my time being cranky.

fact: i have reently been told that my "at rest" face looks both scowly and intimidating.

fact: in an effort to counteract the above stated i have compiled a list of things i like. this is not a best of. this is not an all inclusive list. this is a 3 red stripe (HOORAY BEER) brain dump... enjoy. or look away...

*when i see a busted up el camino heading my way and as it gets a little closer i realize that it's sporting a raider's license plate or license plate frame... it's like peanut butter and jelly, bbq sauce and ribs, or miller high life and domestic violence... these things just go together so perfectly... it's beautiful in it's own way.

*when i get to the last bite of my breakfast burrito and find a hidden pocket of previously undiscovered bacon. there are many things i love about the breakfast burrito and most of them involve bacon... the rest involve the rare ability of a breakfast burrito to stay within the confines of the tortilla. maybe i need to adjust my grip... loosen up the claw a bit. i'd like to tell you that i don't know my own strength, but i do... it's quite low.

*waking up after a looooooong night out and realizing that not only did i not lose my comemorative pint glass, but i somehow managed to obtain a can of pabst along with it... mmmmmmmmm... free pabst.

*using a bidet for the first time and looooooving it... so clean... so nice... i may be pretty strongly opposed to eurotrash, but they got this one right.

*when something actually lives up to the hype. chime in here folks... when was the last time you heard nothing but great things about a new (or old) movie/book/cd/person/comic/tv show/friends' boy/girlfriend/resturant/flavor of taffy and it was actually just as good if not better than advertised? personally here i'm talking about the new issue of DAREDEVIL under the new writer artist team of brubaker/lark. i had the highest of hopes for this motherfucker and it abso-goddamn-lutely cleared every one of my expectations by leaps and bounds. nicely done gentlemen.

*the fact that i just this moment leapt from my chair and rescued a beer from the freezer that i had nearly forgotten about. good save ed... good save (sweet shit that's cold beer... mmmmmmm).

*that on my way back from the kitchen i glanced quickly at a discarded food box and for a moment i thought "eggplant cutletts" was "eggplant coulottes"... the image that danced across my brain was priceless for several seconds before it was erased by pleasure waves brought on by insanely cold beer.

*my new favorite resturant in chinatown. i'm not giving up the name because that place is already waaaaay too crowded and i know you, my loyal readers, would flock to it's location in a vain attempt to be a little closer to me at least in spirit. but basically this little man just appears next to your table and essentially TELLS you what you're having for dinner. the food is amazing and the tea is the best i've ever had. no i won't take you there.

*(last one... because even i'm bored with this) these rare little spells of ego i have in which i actually believe there are people who can't wait to read whatever brain juice i splash onto the keyboard.

discuss.

ed
i'll know it
when i see
it

united we... sit... i'm very tired...

alright folks... i have a plan. it's a good plan. i believe it has merit. i've floated this idea around in that... what'dya call it... real world and it has been met with little more than skepticism, scorn, and all out mockery. so i've decided to put enter this idea into the vast pool of reason and decorum the kids lovingly call the interweb.

enjoy.

i've thought long and hard about it and i've come to a point in my life where i only have the mental and emotional capacity for one dakota. the time has come for DAKOTA UNIFICATION!!!

allow me to list the benefits:

point the 1st: the elimination of an unnecessary state. do we as a nation really need two dakotas? i think not. additionally, imagine the upside for north dakota. the southside (as i've been calling it) has mount rushmore and is significantly warmer... ok, maybe not significantly... but it's gotta be a little less frigid right? really, what do either north or south dakota have to offer that couldn't be just as well brought to the table by one big fat united dakota (hey... i smell a state motto in there somewhere)?

point the 2nd: when's the last time elementary schoolers had something new to learn in the field of US geography? why wait until san diego sinks to the bottom of the ocean or sentient trees lay claim to oregon? a united dakota gives children, the precious, precous children, something new to learn while awaiting the geologic/social/intergalactic disaster that will eventually reshape our world.

point the 3rd: for those of you worried our international status and supremacy--worry not! there are sub parts of this plan still in the works to keep our great nation at a nice round and comfortable 50 states. this will be achieved in one of two ways. either the induction of an outside territory as a US state, or the division of another state into two separate states. frontrunners for outside statehood are: puerto rico, canada, brazil, and france (personally i'm pulling for canada... they've wanted it for quite a while... they hide it well, but it's true.). as for state division we're still kicking some ideas around here at ed central, but your humble author would appreciate the splitting of california just so i can finally have some sort of state delineation between that vast beach of supposed superiority known as southern california... and dodger fans... fuck i hate those guys.

point the 4th: some stink has been made about the elimination of one of the dakota's state flags, or the creation of an all new flag. this is easily settled. we'll have a tug-o-war between north and south dakota. winner's flag becomes the flag of DAKOTA! in the event of a tie the flags will be stapled back to back and flown that way... everybody wins!

so who's with me? i'm taking signatures... line forms to the left... or is it the north.

ed also planning on
turning wyoming
into a giant swimming
pool...
or jell-o mold...

adventures with foodstuffs...

i order a meatballl sandwich (with sausage... i don't know who decided to pile more meat onto a sandwich made almost entirely of meat, but i want to buy that person a beer... or a pony) and a side of potato salad. the friendly deli lady hands me my meal i and i see TWO forks. one wedged under my sandwich and the other stuck in my potato salad... clearly this woman is a genius.

...

i order food at a takeout joint..
her: "name?"
me: "ed."
cut to them shouting "AJ!" and me sitting dumbly waiting for my food because seriously how could ED be mistaken for AJ? there is no way those words get mistaken for one another.
ed
ay-jay
but i still refuse to be one of those guys who spells my name for clerk types, because i still grit my teeth every time this one guy orders his latte from me and says "my name is al... that's 'AY' 'ELL'" dick.
as an added bonus the pastrami was seriously shitty. grrr.

...

same place.

her: "would you like that on a bagel or bread?"
me: "bagel please."
her: "what kind?"
me: "plain."
her: "ok. we'll call your name when it's ready."
(previous experience leads me to believe that this isn't necessarily true.)

i get home i unwrap my sandwich and what do i find?

MARBLE FUCKING RYE BREAD!

that is not even fucking close. marble rye bread may in fact be the exact opposite of a plain bagel in the bread family and rye also has the distinction of being my absolute least favorite type of bread ever... EVER!
the potato salad was ok though.

ed
searching for a
meal that arrives
as promised

let the mediocre times roll

here's a fairly non-comprehensive list of things that have annoyed me in the last several days:

snotty tech support people who make every stereotype about these cock cheeses totally true. boo fucking hoo you have to sit in front of a computer most likely masturbating horse on cheerleader porn while knocking back mountain dew after mountain dew. fuck you.

when people where a hooded sweatshirt (or hoodie if you're hip...) and the hood is all turned inside out... what in the sweet jumping fuckpants is that all about? it's like the tag of your shirt sticking up times a thousand! maintain your appearance people. don't make me do it for you... i shouldn't even be able to dress myself (and some would argue that i can't).

when i order the same breakfast burrito i've ordered and enjoyed countless times before only to have it be voted "worlds greeeeziest burrito" by both myself and my now chorizo spotted shirt. thanks for the extra ladle-ful of hog fat you ass. p.s. your chips taste like shit. they invented a little thing called salt a couple years ago... feel free to add it to the menu.

mr. belding's buffoonery... how did that school district let that half-wit keep his job?

having only 3 beers in the house...

my weak sales resistance regarding dvd's and cd's... i swear to jeebus i just went in looking for a magazine...

starting with a decent pile of ideas and fizzling out due to boredom and hunger.

ed
eating
his words
and his
dinner

why i can kick any kid's ass...

so i'm attending the birthday party of a young child (no jokes!) and among the festivities is a piniata. i see the dora shaped mass go up the tree and i see the stick and i expect a little paper mache massacre complete with the blindfolding and the swinging and the chaos and the possibility of head inuries... y'know--kid stuff. suddenly the stick goes away... i am wracked with confusion... are the little children to punch dora to her chocolate hemoraging death (admittedly i like this idea)? no. there will be no violence. attatched to the bottom of this little wonder are several strands of ribbon... my concern grows. apparently each party-goer takes turns grabbing a ribbon and giving it a gentle yank. most ribbons are loosely attatched (much like myself to reality) and break free with no effect. one magical ribon is attatched to what i can only refer to as the "candy hatch" and when pulled the little trap door of disappointment falls listlessly open and the piniata can be shook to dispense the goods onto the ground.
...
WHAT IN THE SWEET FUCK IS THAT ALL ABOUT!!!
this seems to be just another product of a generation gone soft. a great big steaming pile of "i'm ok, you're ok" bullshit that's sinking these kids and doing nothing to prepare them for the world. i won't try to represent myself as someone who "came up on the streets" or persevered through some kind of adversity... i had a pretty easy upbringing with the loving parents and the picket fence and the public schooling (as my grammer and spelling will attest), but we sure as shit didn't get at the juicy insides of a hijacked mexican tradition with all the excitement of a game of pull my finger (at least that occasionally ends in explosions... at least if my uncle is involved...).

i fear for the future... i truly do.

ed
blindfolded
and
swinging

phoooooone home...

so i'm in my usual mad dash to get home from job one, shower, get dressed and motor off to job two...

as i'm about to jet out the front door after the world's 5th quickest shower i encounter a bit of a problem. my entire doorway is covered by a thick plastic sheet.

i am stunned. so i do the only thing i know to do. i call mike... in the kind of worried strained voice that indicates that somthing is horribly wrong and i don't know how to deal with it, much less fix it.

basically i was sealed within my own apartment. i had a keen feeling of what it must be like to be some type of shrink wrapped foodstuffs...

michael in all of his infinite wisdom (at this point i'm wishing i had some kind of sarcasm indicator...) assesses the situation and contributes this: "huh... looks like ET". he then resumes his perch on the couch.

eventually one of the painters arrives to my aid and cuts me out of my apartment without so much as a "sorry for trapping you in your home with plastics and tape", as if this is not an uncommon scenario...

stunning. simply stunning.

ed
trapped in a world
he never made

reason #1,422,356 that real life is way more hilarious than fiction...

setting: outside dining area of a charming little breakfast cafe.
time: 10ish in the morning

hilariousness:

guy is talking loudly on cell phone

guy: yeah... hello? i'm trying to get alejandro's phone number...
guy: no... he called me yesterday, but i accidentlly cleared my call log.
guy: he was supposed to have some work for me today... i'm a driver...

--as this sentence clears his lips the talkative gentleman with little or no volume control pours the 24 oz can of beer recently purchased into a cup of ice procured from the aforementioned cafe and takes a nice long swig.--

guy: uh huh... uh huh... no my driving record is clean.

me+chelsea: *matching looks of complete astonishment*.

END SCENE

ed
as least having the
good sense to get
drunk after i already
have the job

birthday...

jay talks to chelsea...

jay: what're you doing?
chelsea: sitting around in my pajamas, drinking a beer.

ed
who will
take this down
as soon as
chelsea yells at me

fumes...

my home smells like paint and i have to walk a plank of sorts to enter said domain, but it's all ok because i have a porch light now... and a really nice one too. it looks like something that would adorn the entryway of a charming little villa in the country.

i know some of you (both of you? one of you? chelsea?) are probably wondering why i'm so interested in the state of my porch light... well if you left for work at 430 in the morning and almost fell down your stairs almost daily you would appreciate a little light too...

ed
stumbling
in more
ways that
one

MUTHER FUCKIN' GIGANTES!!!

nicely done boys! here's to one more day in the sun!

now go get 'em tomorrow!

ed
hope springs
eternal

thought spray.

i have no porch light.

a mattress occupies a very large part of my hallway. my new favorite game is to run and jump into the mattress... this ceased being fun when the mattress was replaced with a box spring.

there is currently a movie on the spike channel called "latin dragon". it appears to star both gary busey and lorenzo lamas (who was refered to in a promo as "the hispanic bruce lee.)... you have no idea how much that makes me hurt inside.

the return of arrested development to television is truly a wonderful thing.

spent parts of today watching the director's cut of DAREDEVIL. this is alarming for a number of reasons. 1) it exists. 2) i own it. 3)i watched it. and here's the kicker: it was much much better than the original (which was not a terribly high bar to clear, but still...). i'm just gonna come out and say it: if this had been the actual theatrical release coolio would have garnered some serious oscar attention (not this kind).

have recieved promotion at work. will soon become middle managment sorta boss type with no real authority of coffee shop... not ok.

ooh... transporter is on. gotta go.

ed
driving towards a
big lake of
crazy

brain!

i love pizza. i hate pizza boxes. my meal says to me: "i hope you enjoyed your delicious meal, now go make a special trip to the dumpster just to discard my packaging." angry.

are dove soap and dove chocolate made by the same people?

getting up at 4 in the morning is getting waaaaaaay too easy... body is adapting to change. seem incapable of sleeping in. troublesome.

have reached critical mass of notebooks. was seriously ready to trim the fat and put several into cold storage for later usage... then i discovered perforated pages in new set... entire system is out of whack.

yesterday afternoon consisted of pizza, beer, naps, and not one but two national lampoon's vacation movies (original and vegas)... good day.

ed
decompressing

T-minus...

countdown is now on...

leaving job 2 in exchange for new job 2... hours to improve... general life to improve.

updates coming. watch the skies.

ed
scattered

wakey wakey...

sung to the tune of: "the universe would prefer it if you did not sleep in today"...

4:18 am- alarm goes off... still set from the day before when i actually had to be at work by 5 am and not 9 like today... needless to say this is an unwelcome omen of things to come.

6:33 am- coffee work calls and wants to know if i can cover a shift. as i am scheduled to work music store job from 9-6 this seems like somewhat of an impossibility... for those keeping score this is wake up #2... crawly feeling in gut tells me it will not be the last.

6:44 am- bloody nose starts...

6:45 am-6:48- bloody nose stops... then starts... then stops again.

7:00am- although hammering will not commence for another hour or so the mere arrival of the construction crew is disruptive enough to make me abandon all prospect of chasing down any z's and resign myself to buffy the vampire slayer re-runs on FX... profound sadness sets in.

7:58 am- michael makes eggs... and toast... and coffee. all is right with the world.

8:00 am- hammering and crow barring of exterior of building begins in earnest. by the end of the day building resembles one of those houses you AREN'T supposed to deliver to...

8:01 am-8:30- eggs, toast, coffee, and spider-man 2 on hbo... all is even righter with the world.

8:30am-9:13am- various video game, ipod matinence, and internet tomfoolery until realization that work starts in exactly 2 minute. as i am within the confines of my last two weeks, i don't sweat it much...

9:14 am- off to work and to face the day...

ed
and that was
just the morning

fresh from my brain to your eyes...

ITEM!: my beloved gigantes have made yet another stellar acquisition in the form of Mr. Randy Winn... i am simply whelmed (neither over, nor under). at the very least this will give sports page writers the unchecked oportunity to shower us with puns of questionable quality.

today's paper alone has yielded "giants get a big WINN" and "giants lose, get winn". of course this leaves us with the unused "big WINNer" and "WINN/lose situation"... super.

ITEM!: today while while enjoying a hearty breakfast (pastrami and onion omelet) in the company of my lovely lady and her sister i was besieged by a truly horrifying vision. two tables over a couple was also enjoying breakfast... while changing their baby's diaper AT THE TABLE!

now i am not an overly conservative person, nor am i a prude, but c'mon. laying your kid out on the extra chair, removing his soiled goods, and wiping him down? not ok.

i'm sure they would say: "well it has to be done..."

fine. take the kid to the bathroom. would you dive into your breakfast if you found out the cook had thrown his kid up on the cutting board and given him a quick tush wipe before whipping up your waffle plate... unlikely.

would this have been done INSIDE the restaurant? probably not.

ITEM!: arch-nemesis assistant manager is being unceremoniously shipped out. tears have not been shed.

ITEM!: lime juice has replaced actual limes for all of my cocktail needs. i appreciate pure natural fruit as much as the next guy, but here's what always happens:

you buy a lime (or three) for your gin and tonics, you use maybe half of one and throw the rest in the fridge where the exposed fruit flesh promptly dries out. then next time you're making a drink you try to shave off the crusty dried out lime and get at the sweet sweet flesh of the tart little demon eventually ending with a crushed mess of shredded lime, pulp, and peel... not good.

now the new scenario:

open bottle of lime juice, squeeze in appropriate amount, recap, and repeat as necessary.

nice, huh?

ITEM!: wedding crashers = hilarious. i realize that's not the most elaborate review of a motion picture to ever hit the screen, but giving you any more than that. just go fucking see it.

that's all for today.
ed campaign organizer: lime juice for president

don't.

don't shave when you're drunk...

seriously.

and while we're on our list of things not to do. don't "try something new" when you're buying toothpaste. you'll wind up with some weird citrus flavored nonsense... it feels wrong.

now i'm uncomfortable.

ed
not so
minty
fresh

como esta BITCHES!!!

as of 10 am today i am officially bulletproof.

why you may ask?

i'm on motherfucking vacation!!!

come this evening i'll be winging my way towards san diego to attend what mr. warren ellis affectionatly refers to as "nerd prom".

there is no force on earth that can bring me down.

fight me. i'm in a coffee throwing mood!!!

ed
bring your
kryptonite

yes, i love technology...

so i'm rolling mom's car this week since mine is in the shop (for just a couple days the guy said... cut to one week later, but i digress...). as a result of this vehicular switch-a-roo i get to play with all the cool doo-dads and whatnots that mom's car features, such as sun/moon roof, power windows, 6-disc changer, and of course the keyless entry device (to say nothing of the three (3) cup holders). which brings me to the thing. even though the keyless entry clicky-ma-gig works from like 3 city blocks away and could probably penatrate fucking kryptonite i still point it at the car whenever i engage or disengage the locks... what's that all about?

of course this is from a guy who totally wigged out the first time he realized his ipod paused automatically whenever he pulled the headphones out of the jack...

ooooh look!!! a shiny rock!!!

ed
walking upright
any day now...

here we go again...

am moving again. i'm like a really lazy nomad... i'm not exactly following a herd here or anything, i just move, rest for 6-9 months and then pack my life in to many many boxes and mosey on down the road.

exhausting...

but that's not what's really on my mind today.

here's the thing: i have no evidence other than my admittedly casual observations, but i'm fairly sure that one of my sideburns grows significantly faster than the other. something else weird. as i'm sitting here typing this i can't for the life of me remember which one.


ed
in desperate need
of an emotional
growth spurt

p.s. will be seeing batman begins the very evening and as i know that you both value and desire my knowledge and opinions i will hurl them at you as soon as i am able. courage.

saturday night. house to myself. these are the thoughts as they come to me.

attempting some kind of stir fry dish. teriyaki in flavor. forgot to procure necessary chicken, making this a vegetable stir fry creation. will make up for this by eating something made of beef tomorrow.

i almost stalled my car at a red light last week... i swear i've been driving for almost ten years, but at that moment it surely didn't feel like it.

several days ago i managed to bite the inside of my cheek (chalk it up to eating faster than i can think). the next day while assessing the damage by probing it with my tongue i bit my tongue... this should be an emo song.

stir fry is nearly complete! if you take something directly out of the pan and then taste it... be careful... it will be hot. ow.

stir fry has morphed into some kind of fried rice experiment. i am concerned. panic has set in.

it now occurs to me that i'm really not all that hungry... i was just looking for something to do. so i cooked (in the loosest definition of the term).

dinner was sub-par. renewed attempts will be made tomorrow.

now attempting a coke-float (and of course here i'm talking about a combination of coca-cola and vanilla ice cream... not a levitating coke-head. nor a parade float made of soda for that matter). updates to follow.

ed
searching for
dessert

i feel a little hung over, but i'm not so this is what you get...

i've been thinking a lot about it, and i really like pudding. i think chocolate is my favorite, but there's definitely something to be said for vanilla. yeah, that vanilla is pretty good stuff too. here's the thing though... i haven't actually had any pudding in months... maybe even a year. so one has to ask themselves: what kind of man comes to unilaterally strong feelings about pudding without the prompting of actually tasting that sweet nectar? i'll let you think on that one for a while.

...

okay. here it is. spoon v. fork.
normally i would start any discussion about hot dogs and condiment application by imploring you to not only keep the ketchup (or catsup if you prefer) not only off your dog, but in another room entirely (in the event of outdoor grilling simply leaving it in the house will suffice), but seeing as how i'm relatively sure that of all the people who read this site, i've shared a hotdog with both of you and made my feelings known. so we'll move on to the advanced class. because you 're all very smart children, and i have nothing but faith in you.

when applying relish (one of maybe five approved condiments for a hot dog--and no mayonnaise is not one of them) to a hot dog it is my firm belief that a fork is far superior to a spoon as a tool of disbursement due to the juice factor. when you scoop relish out of the jar with a spoon you are inevitably bringing along for the ride a large amount of relish "juice". this is all well and good if you are making tuna salad and want not only the relish, but a smidgen of extra "pickle flavor" to blend into what assuredly also includes salt, pepper, mustard, mayo (only a touch) and some celery if you haven't already put it all into your seven bloody mary's you had for breakfast (which most asuredly bled a bit into the lunch hour), but that's neither here nor there...
for hot dog application the only tool up to the job is the fork. it strains the juice, evenly distributes the relish, and doesn't collect excess liquid which will be transferred to the hotdog bun causing a sog factor that can submarine even the best hot dog experience.

so there's all that. don't thank me for changing your life. i'm just here to help.

ed
totally
forked

ya know what fixes everything?

WHISKEY!

ed
whiskey!

for the good of mankind...

todays lesson addresses what i refer to as the "take off two things" theory. basically the theory states that when you get all gussied up to go out, and you're putting on all your super cool trendy shit... don't fucking overdo it.

when you get to the end and you're all done up just stop, take a look and then take off two things.

do you really need the super hip belt. and the hat. and the trendy braclet. and the shoes. and the leg warmers. and the ear rings. and the $400 hairdo.

take off two things. don't try so fucking hard. you're great. really you are (ok, fine... a lot of you aren't great... but for that matter neither am i... but don't make it worse).

now to be fair this theory started with the annoying ass hot-topic-psuedo-punk rockers... with the colored hair, and the vintage (but not really vintage) t-shirt, and the leather studded belt, arm cuff, shoes, and necklace/choker/dog collar thing, and the shoes, and every other fucking thing they found on their floor that they made fun of their parents for wearing, but then mtv told them it was cool... you get my point.

every once in a while i'll see a woman and think: "there's probably a very pretty, interesting young lady underneath all those accessories... but she just seems to be trying to hard to get everyone's attention at once"

do these thoughts make me a bad person? does recording them here?

i've decided that those two questions are the two things i'm taking off... right now.

NEXT TIME: spoon vs. fork for relish application to a hot dog. this one's serious. don't miss it.

ed
trying to hard
to not be trying
so hard

take off two things.

fuck.

goodbye hunter...

ed
having a drink

get by with a little help from my friends...

go here!

give erin money.

feel good about helping.

rest easy.

ed
to lazy to even
watch a triathilon

mediocre 4!

i'm gonna gather my thoughts before i actually share an opinion or a dozen... but here's all this if you need it:

FF

ed
stretching, flaming, rocky, and
invisible...
man that sounds
gay

feets...

in the history of the modern world there are no shoes that look cooler after being casually discarded on the floor than the converse chuck taylors.

i'm just saying.

ed
bare foot

manners anyone?

am i out of line in thinking that a stranger in my house should introduce himself or at the very least not stare me down as if a bar fight were about to break out?

i suppose i'll chalk it up to drunkenness since he's writhing around trying to pass out on the couch right now.

ed
nice to meet you

**UPDATE: guy still at house next morning. gave me a half hearted "sup bro" as he rummaged through the cubbords... cock.**

health and safety...

health tip from the homefront:

if you aren't feeling well and you have sort of a sinus/cold/hangover/exhaustion thing going on and you can't decide if you should load up on day-quil, sudafed, advil, or the blue ones you found at the bottom of your bag...

don't just take them all. at first you feel better... then you just feel weird. really weird.

ed
over medicated
and
under appreciated

outrage

why did no one tell me that jerry orbach fucking died!

ed
mourning

fuck being nice!

i was nice to people all day today... and someone broke into my motherfucking car and stole a bunch of my shit. all of my favorite cds that i had finally culled from the crap that is my music collection... finally. FINALLY all in one place. stolen.

fuck humanity and all their christmas cheer.

ed
pissed

freshy fresh and newer than new.

if all has gone to plan comment section has now been added.

your input is not requested. it is demanded.

seriously i need validation. i am a very small man inside and i crave your attention.

ed
will be watching...

recap.

party was a smashing success. despite rampant drinkery and various shenanigans bar is wicked stocked due to slight overbuying and generous house guests .

will commit more details to this very same blog as they fight their way through alcolohic haze.

ed
vehemently opposed to
diet tonic

don't fuck with me, mine, or my west wing...

have returned from night out at dirt bar known only as artie's... not the cleanest place i've ever had a drink or three, but still nicer than a couple of dumpsters i've crouched behind whilst sucking down a beer or several.

going on record right now as saying that i do not, nor will i ever understand the females of this species i am currently claiming... i find them confusing at best and utterly maddening at worst.



ed
cause i said so

do sumthin!

now coming to you from live inside my own house... only bad will come of this...

you're an update!

have stumbled across ths computer in a dry creek bed somewhere in calaveras county, will now file updates and generally down trodden musings about the current state of my life.

i'm spending the weekend on the road in efforts to clear my head of depressive type self loathing-ness... i assure you these are words. so far sucess has been muddled. got very drunk (yay), accidently watched half of the stalone prison movie LOCK UP (boo).

troubling things are brewing above my neck. more to come, but to quote a rather wacky waitress (god i loves me some alliteration): "I'M MOVING MY CAR".

ed
started this post
with the best of
intentions,
but then it all
went awry

tivo and tacos...

i had several drinks. i did not in fact break jay's tivo, which fills me with the happy. i am deeply infatuated with our waitress from el torito, but lack sufficent man parts to do anything about it. life continues un-abated...

ed
rockin' it

updates SHMupdates...

so if i had any kind of actual life to report on i suppose it would happen within the confines of this particular area... but all i have to show for the last few weeks of my life is sleep depravation and a bunch of shirts that smell really, really strongly of coffee... and a new appreciation for modest mouse (thanks justin).

when i die there will be a great silence... not out of repect, or the awe of my passing, but simply a great void that all of my yammering, shouting, and mumbling used to fill. may another loudmouth come alone and pick up right where i left off... most likely clutching my chest and making a sarcastic, self-depriciating comment about my own heart attack...

have recently backslid into familiar territory in regards to the female sex. how can one be so attracted to one who so utterly destroyed his sense of self worth the first time around? all i keep coming back to is the time she said: "tell me something i don't know"... i never had a chance.

woe... woe and most likely locusts will follow.

more later... must delve into sleep, secret war #2, and the second season of the office... simultaniously... never let it be said that i don't, in fact, have mad skills (or skillz if you prefer...)

ed
nursing a red bull
hangover

audio post powered by audblog

audio post powered by audblog

audio post powered by audblog

audio post powered by audblog

still out of loop...

i have jobs!!! fear me. i am part of the MAN now. i work in the realm of corporate coffee and music! don't you fuckin' judge me!!!

commited now to more audio blogs. they will follow.


ed
finally pullin' a
paycheck

out of the loop...

so i've been out of commision for a bit now due to the moving and the job hunting and the no computer having and the GLAIVIN!!!!!

anway i'm here now and all i have to say is: looking for work motherfucking sucks. i hate job hunting. so if anyone reading this is in the walnut creek-ish area and wants to give me a fucking job... i'll do pretty much anything for money (this includes eating babies and pushing the elderly into rivers).

i'm going away now. if you're all lucky i'll drop in a drunken audio blog sometime this weekend. so chew on that.

and email me for fuck's sake... i'm bored.

ed
fuck you.
nothing funny here

a meal that isn't a meal...

i love my mom to death, but she's still under the delusion that a bagel and cream cheese is a meal. it isn't. the whole family (mom, dad, my sister and i) will be prepped to get some breakfast and mom says: "why don't we get some bagels". my dad looks at me as if to say: "great. can we get breakfast after that?".

breakfast must have the option of a side of bacon. if i can't get a side of bacon then it isn't breakfast. i'm not saying that i have to get a side of bacon every time. but i want the option.

so what have we learned today?

ed like bacon.
bagels are a snack at best.
seriously. i really, really like bacon.

ed
comes with a
side of
love

give it a whack!

hey... penguins do fly. neat.

UPDATE! (1/24/04): personal best: 593.5!

email me yours (no one has emailed me a high score yet! you guys suck!).

ed
making dreams
come true
for flightless birds
everywhere

drinking + blogging = AWESOME!

audio post powered by audblog


i'd just like to add that jay at one point last night said: "i've had so much coffee i could kick a barn". if anyone can explain what the fuck that sentence means please feel free to email me... because i'm fucking stumped.


in any event. another day another hangover... so it goes.

ed
kicking barns

from the fine folks who brought you the viking kittens!

axe wound? seriously? these are some fucked up hedgehogs...


ed
seriously?
did they really say
"spam purse"?

flying...

enjoy this. it's fun.

ed
flying

rehearse this...

audio post powered by audblog

there were some wild allegations being thrown around that i was rehearsing (or even scripting) my audioblogs, and while i may (on occasion) stop in mid recording and start over let me assure you that i am not working from any sort of written script, nor do i have a talented team of comedy writers at my disposal... all evidence to the contrary.

so there you have it. more updates to follow as events warrant.

ed
waiting patiently
for whatever comes
next

HOT HOT HOT or cold? HOT HOT HOT or cold?

how does my morning coffee go from surface of the sun hot to penguin's asshole cold in such a short amout of time?

i sip my coffee, and its so hot that my tongue actually turns to liquid... do you understand? my coffee is so hot that it liquifies my fucking tongue! then i read two pages of my comic book sip again and coffee flavored ice-cubes invade my mouth like allied forces storming beaches!

how does this happen? how can 16 oz. of coffee go from wicked hot to retarded cold in a matter of minutes. shouldn't there be some sort of goldylocks-like just right middle ground in there somewhere?

this has been a test of the "ed bitching about random shit because he's bored at work and his coffee got cold and now he's pissed" broadcast system.

had this been a real rant you actually would have read the entire thing and not just skimmed it.

ed
soothing mouth
burns with gin

rules of the road...

audio post powered by audblog


so, this was meant to be one of many "road reports" called in while i was out and about on my mini-christmas vacation of sorts (thanks jeremy and arthur for covering my shifts). but alas, a dangerous combination of laziness and apathy sidelined my sure to be epic reports of my various travels. instead i opted for one "summing it all up" type audio posts which frankly came off kind of flat... whether it was the shoddy cell phone reception or my lack of enthusiasm is beyond me... here's the highlights i remembered after posting, but didn't have the energy or drive to re-record...

point: i found a nice little coffee shop in santa cruz that has booths... BOOTHS! this is the perfect synthesis (god-fuck, i am so ashamed of myself for using that word... i fucking hate that word) of comfy chairs and a table to pile stuff on (comics, books, notebooks, etc...). as an added bonus the booth i chose (and i say chose here because it was the only one left that didn't have a cuddling couple in for reasons that are about to become evident) was only one sided... so not only did i get to sit, read comics, scribble in my notebook, and drink coffee... i could do so without the guilt that usually accompanies being a solo flyer in a booth. it was a booth built for one... perfect for the recluse on the go (is that sentence even possible?).

point: every comic shop is better than the one where i work... everything i want my shop to be, these shops are. all comics. lots of backstock. trades up the you-know-who's-itz... it made me sad, but gave me some good ideas... to bad it takes me so long to get anything done... heh...

point: it has been faaaaaaaaar to long since the last time i headed to the coast. despite the white-knuckle inducing drive on highway (and i use the term loosely) 17, i fucking love it there...

point: merry christmas.

point: you may have noticed that none of these points are numbered/lettered/roman numeraled. in the spirit of christmas, giving, and sharing, i didn't want any of the points to feel that they were more or less important than the others so i didn't number them. i realize that they're still listed in an order and thus some may seem more important since they are listed first, but at least they have no hard numbers to back it up and hold over the other point's heads...

point: ...

point: the above point is there to draw attention to the fact that i use what is often refered to (by me and at least 2 other people i know... well not "know" per se, but have talked to... ok overheard... alright fuck you i'm probably the only one who calls it this... dick) as the "3 dot" style. annoying? maybe. difficult to read? i don't think so. grammatically improper? probably. a more retarded style then writing in questions and then answering them? surely not!

point: i drank a red bull before i left for home tonight so i wouldn't fall asleep and die, thus ruining christmas, but i don't think it kicked in until just now... so basically i'm reliving my life as a 9 year old (ok 19 year old) trying my damnedest to fall asleep on christmas eve, but not being able to.

point: i've hit my limit.

point: for the record this is the most important point.

ed
pointless
(alright i'll admit that was
a pretty obvious one...
i'll do better next time i
promise)

i want some wine (or whine...)

audio post powered by audblog

so what's today's lesson kids?

wine and audblog DO NOT MIX!
but on the upside i have a wicked cool new TV, dvd/vcr, and surround sound system thanks to the fine folks at live 105.3... take that large breasted girl i beat on the game show!
so now i fuckin' rule in surround sound!

fear me.

ed
surrounding
myself

wacky, wacky shit...

i'm sure most of you folks who read this nonsense either read jay's too or found me through jay, but here it is anyway:

weird, wacky shit.



ed
searching for
sanity...
comin' up
empty

do i really sound like that?

audio post powered by audblog


you will listen to my drunken ramblings... i've now added audioblog full time so now you cannot escape the multi-media experience that is ed!

fear me.

ed
fearing
myself

safety first

be safe out there kids....


ed
scratching my
gentleman parts
just from watching
that

so i says to the guy...

i says: "HEY DOGFUCKER LEARN TO DRIVE LIKE A FUCKING GROWNUP!"

now he didn't seem to appreciate this all that much (as was evidenced with the glaring and shouting and displaying of certain fingers which shall remain nameless, but sufice to say it was near the center of the finger group), but i can't be concerned with such trivial matters because i'm going to work DAMNIT and if i don't get there on time dozens and dozens of poor souls would be without comics, cards, and various other gaming type things.

so at the next light who should pull up on my right hand side, but the dogfucker.
he is quite articulate: "BITCH I'LL KICK YOUR FUCKING ASS! YOU WANNA GO!"

now clearly i don't "wanna go" anywhere but to work (well i didn't "wanna go" but i did "wanna" continue getting paid). he was driving like an asshole (or dogfucker if you will) and i informed him of this fact. as far as i was concerned our exchange had ended, but dogfucker had other ideas. he continued to scream at me (through my closed window mind you) listing the various forms of harm he intended to inflict on my most sensitive of areas. he also listed a few choice things about various members of my family most of which i know for a fact to be false and many i am relatively sure are anatomically impossible.

so the light changes and i go my way and he goes his (each of us offering a parting gesture of the finger variety) and everyone is happy (well i'm not happy per se, but dogfucker is no longer poluting my ears, so i'm pretty sure that i won't have to "go"... whatever the fuck that means).

the moral of this story: "dogfucker" is the funniest thing i've called anyone today.

ed
getting ready
to "go"

stuff in my pockets...

pretty soon i'm gonna need bigger pants. not because i'm getting fatter (well i might be, but i've still got a little room), but because i carry to much shit around with me on a daily basis. here's a list of stuff i tote on an average day:

wallet/moneyclippy thing
loose change
pack of gum (the greet orbit kind... everything else is a waste of my teeth and jaw muscles)
keys (car, house, store... all on one ring with only a bottle opener to accompany them. people with more key chains than keys should choke on my fuck)
keyless entry clicker-majig (it's supposed to be attatched to my keychain, but apparently nissan has some quality control issues)
cell phone (would it kill you call once in a while you heartless bastards...)
hands free headset device (my favorite joke so far was when alex said to me "i have 3 items and i'll be in dressing room #4"--old navy joke making mother fucker... won't be laughing when i don't die in a horible accident caused by trying to talk, eat, and tune the radio at the same time all while steering with my knees and checking out the chick in the next lane who's driving a jetta... because they all drive jettas...)
at least two pens (one black, one blue. because variety is the old spice of life... or something like that)
notebook (for both jotting things down as they occur to me as well as keeping the list)
various scraps of paper (atm reciepts, credit slips, fake phone #'s girls have given me)
flan (... ok, not really... just felt like making a flan joke... c'mon its fun say it: FLAN!)

how my pants stay up is beyond me. and thats not even getting into the mess of shit in my wallet...
seriously, i have a business card of a guy i went to high school with and haven't seen 4 years as well as 3 seperate sandwich club cards with one stamp each and a $25 starbucks gift card... how am i going to spend $25 dollars at starbucks? buy TWO lattes?

ed
getting a back
condition from
poorly packed
pockets

a few turkey thoughts...

1) when you do the ceremonial pre-dinner beer chug with your father, DON'T do it more than three times. this will undoubtably lead to your father having to take a nap about 20 minutes into dinner. not good.

2) don't get fucking fancy. a special thanks goes out to my mother for preparing a wonderful traditional thanksgiving dinner. no sweet potato soufle, no cranberry mango chutney, and no goddamn stuffing flambe!!! good work mom. the spirit of thanksgiving thanks you (and i mean the positive thanksgiving conotations... not all that indian slaughter and smallpox stuff).

3) if you start eating and drinking beer at 10am and then don't stop for 10 hours you will fall asleep by 9:15pm... which, incidently is the earliest i've been to bed since grade school.

5) once again i've skipped number 4... i have no regrets about this i find it to be an over-rated number.

6) thanksgiving may seem like a good time to call a bunch of people you've burned bridges with in various manners, but trust me, in the long run its a good thing that your cell phone battery died when it did.


ed
had leftover
pie for dinner
last night

a little early in the season for this sort of shit isn't it?

while channel surfing between beers last night i stumbled upon the holiest of holy movies in my world: A CHRISTMAS STORY. and it pissed me off to no end. "but ed, if you love the movie why were you so pissed" you might be asking yourself (hopefully not out loud, because that guy over there is staring at you...). the source of my rage is this: it's not fucking christmas yet you bunch of fucking whores!!! sweet moses on a moped at least let us get on the other side of thanksgiving before you start shoving holiday movies down our throats (and in some cases up our asses).

so angry am i at this premature holiday-ization that i will not watch A CHRISTMAS STORY until the holiday season us upon us. y'see how much this is pissing me off? i'm purposely avoiding a movie that i love. it makes me sad... but it has to be done.



ed
shooting my
eye out

ok, ok... last one today...(but probably not, cause i'm at work and bored)

so it occurs to me that my blog of late has become nothing more than a collection of links to things that are either disturbing or hilarious... or hilariously disturbing. which begs the question: which is more entertaining? me rambling on and on (and on) about square muffins, blue skittles, and showing mormon's my dick --or-- links to shit i stumble upon on the internet like pictures of jesus with a large caliber gun and instructions for a thought screen helme that prevents aliens from reading your mind and then abducting you... the former seems trite, while the latter (at least in the helmet case) is information that could potentially save your life...

frankly i'm torn. i think i'll go get drunk and think on it.

ed
thinking on it...
if "it" is boobs

keep your eyes on the skies...

practical and fashionable...



ed
wrapping my
genitals in tin foil
to prevent them
from stealing my
seed

now you're all fucked sinners...

you best start praying bitches...



ed
saying our fathers
like a
motherfucker

i love it when a plan comes together...

jay: "ugh... i feel like shit. i need to get some tea in me."

me: "MR. T?"

ed
picking out
my feather
ear rings

what time is is?

seriously i watched this thing for like an hour...

ed
watching the
seconds tick
away

go tell it on the mountain...

why do i constantly have to put up with missionaries trying to harrass me into their religion? have they ever actually converted someone? it seems to me that everytime someone turns their life around by "putting it in the lord's hands" they say that they've "found religion". if we're to believe all of these self rightous fuck-hats they found religion... religion didn't find them.

long story short: next time a missionary comes to your door... show them your dick... maybe you can convert them.


ed
showing my dick
to jeebus...
you know, in a
tasteful way

foriegn policy made easy...

finally someone put it into terms i could understand.


ed
designing my
bomb shelter...
it has a checkerboard

older by the minute...

really starting to feel my age these days. i'm not even close to being considered old (i'm a good 4-5 years away from my first walker), but i realized recently that not only are there a great many star athletes younger than me, but i've crossed a very serious zero barrier here... playboy playmates are now younger than me. this makes me so sad i think i'm going to cry... or drink... or drink my own tears...


ed
drinking my own
tears... if by tears
you mean budweiser

the first rule of this is what ed thinks is: you don't talk about this is what ed thinks...

people i would fight:

freddie prinze jr.: just because i think i could take him.

jimmy carter: fuckin' peanut farmer. i plan on working my way through most of the presidents (alive and dead), but i'm starting with him.

alan alda: despite a star making performance as the president in CANADIAN BACON i'm still pissed at him for making the last few seasons of M.A.S.H. all preachy and weepy.

rob liefeld: for trying to ruin comic books... repeatedly.

hemingway: because he'd kick my ass, but it would be totally worth it.

moses: i'd let his teeth go... from his mouth.


ed
hasn't been in a
fight in years and
hasn't won one...
ever

best of neither world...

some positivity:

mallomars are one of the single greatest creations in the world of cookies and/or chocolate covered snacks. when i eat them i feel like jesus is smiling directly at me.


some negativity:

rohnert park is waaaaay to fucking small to NOT run into people you don't want to see. and then you make the small talk. and its awkward at best downright unbearable at worst. and then you part ways and she says "don't hate me".

fuck this. i need a drink.

ed
drinking

a few thoughts about halloween...

point one: when did trick or treating at the mall start? back when i was a boy (about 17 minutes ago) i went door to door in seedy neighborhoods begging for candy. was it safe? no, of course not, but i wasn't a little pussy kid now was i (ok, i sort of was).

point two: vodka is the devil. this isn't really halloween related other than to say i drank waaaaay to much of it and passed out in the gutter (literally).

point three: whats with these assholes in stupid costumes that are way to complicated and awkward and generally a pain in the ass. if it's hard to move around in then you aren't going to have any fun and everyone is going to hate you because you are a fucking party killer.

point five: i skipped point four. fuck you its my blog.

point six: regarding post halloween hangovers. the bagel dog is going to sound like a good idea, but seriously... don't do it.

ed
regretting the
bagel dog
and the jello shots

spot on accurate

huh. turns out i'm a dick. who knew?

Villain; Just when you have that sneaky little hero
at your finger tips, and the universe is about
to be yours, something JUST has to happen to
screw EVERYTHING up. At least you get to be
your oh so evil self, and who else gets to die
a horrible death dropping into pits of
nothingness? Until next time... *evil
laugh*

Made by
Sara


Who do you play in in a typical movie?
brought to you by Quizilla




ed
practicing my evil
laugh in a dark
bathroom stall

the most depressing night ever...

two nights ago i spent my evening drinking, watching jerry maguire, and ripping bloody pieces of ingrown toenail out of my foot at 4 am. i don't know what to say about this other than if i wasn't the saddest human in the world before, i'm pretty sure this cements my status in the top 10 at least.

ed
bleeding from
the foot and
the mind

you're all fuckin' lucky...

four things that kept me from killing everyone last night:

miles davis
handful of advil
sierra nevada celebration ale
10 minutes of silence before i went to work

more updates to follow.

ed
sharpening my
knife and polishing
my gun

the madness must stop...

it's too fucking hot for goddamn october!!! seriously it's been like in the 80's for the last 5 days. now i'm not one to get all enviromentally (it's a word, i swear) but c'mon is this global warming thing or what? what really pisses me off is that i have a winter coat that i really like and i should be able to wear the motherfucker by now... fuckin' suv's.

ed
sweating my balls
off

bad... or really bad?

so if call a girl and ask her if she's free tomorrow night and she says she isn't because she has to work and has a lot of homework, says "thanks for calling though" and then quickly gets off of the phone...
thats bad right?
seriously... i could use a litte feedback here...

ed
"thanks for calling"
c'mon, i'm fucked...

if this is wrong, then i don't want to be right...

in the fine tradition of things i do instead of working:

watch this.

play this. (wash your hands when you're done)

then go outside for fuck's sake... what, do you live in front of your computer?

ed
living in front of
the computer

breakfast of champions?

so i'm at my local safeway at about 10:30 in the morning picking up a newspaper and a pack of gum when i check out the selections of the guy behind me in line. here's a paraphrased list of his purchases:

2 gallon sized jugs of sunny d
1 yeltsin sized bottle of smirnoff (seriously this thing was fucking huge... it had wheels on the bottom)
1 box fruit loops
1 pumpkin

i don't know if i should feel bad for this guy or try and move in with him...

ed
deciding on whether to call
the sunny d/vodka drink
a sunny russian
or a bolshevik sunrise

some positivity for a change...

i have spend several years of my life all told compiling lists of my least favorite things (least favorite state: wyoming) so for this evening's missive i thought i would list a few of my favorite things (hey... no singing!).

on with the nonsense!

favorite kitchen utensil: spatula
favorite eating utensil: chopsticks
favorite shirt: fuck censorship!
favorite ninja: snake eyes (storm shadow is a little bitch!)
favorite robot: soundwave
favorite monkey: king kong!
favorite soup: clam chowder (i'm all about the clam!)
favorite place to pass out drunk: couch (mine, or anyone's)

so there you have it... a few of my favorite things (i SAID no singing!!!)

ed
singing in spite of myself
or maybe in order to spite myself...
i forget

EVERYTHING'S DIFFERENT!!!

seriously... everything...

i believe...

if the children are the future, then we're fucked...

ed
strangling my
inner child

is it easter yet?

my favorite candy of all time the cadbury easter egg is only available for a couple of months a year. this fills me with very much of the sad... i say if marshmallow peeps can adapt to other holidays then why can't those delicious gooey filled eggs?

additionally, this whole peeps for other holidays thing completely throws my "one huge batch of peeps" theory. i always figured that they made one gigantic batch of peeps in like 1945 (what, with the post war boom and all) and have been gradually trickling them out the public every time we celebrate j.c.'s crucifiction... now with the spooky peeps on the market i'm forced to admit that candy corn and circus peanuts (seriously, have you ever actually seen someone eat one of these things?) are the only candies that haven't actually been produced since well before commercial air travel...

ed
feeding my sweet
tooth salty snacks
just to piss it off

mmmmmm... tasty.

here's what i put in my mouth hole today:

1 1/2 bagels with cream cheese
1 cup coffee
1chili cheese dog
1 pepsi
1 cran-raspberry juice
5 sticks of orbit gum (the green kind)
2 hostess cupcakes (golden cake variety)
1 red bull
4 advil (coated tablets)


so there's that if you need it.

ed
in my head
i'm already
sleeping

sad, sad day...

so the giants got the big fishy boot from the sailfish, i'm on the tail end of a cold that i can't seem to kick (mostly cause i keep drinking, thus impeding my healing process), and every time i even look at my toe it hurts. can't get german techno power-tool song out of head.

on the upside only two more hours of work, and then two glorious days off... which i will probably spend drinking and napping on the couch.
i have nothing of merit to contribute here, so here's something weird.

no, no wait... this is better.

someone actually made a site dedicated to this guy! i'm starting to lose my faith in the internet.


ed
wishing i had
a rocket powered skateboard
or at least a rocket powered
pasta strainer

hate. hate. hate.

i hate the florida marlins more than anything else in the entire world right now. epsecially jeff conine. but especially ivan rodriguez!


ed
picturing dead fish
everywhere
except in the bathroom...
i don't want them to
watch me poop

thanks oeming....

sometimes there just aren't words...

and then there's this:

it isn't nearly as good

ed
singing along
planning trip to a
gay bar

part of the problem...

you know the old saying "if you aren't part of the solution, then you're part of the problem"? well i decided today that i'm part of the problem. i'm insensitive. i drink to much and when i do i get really loud. i'm overweight. i spend money carelessly. i drive my SUV waaaay over the speed limit, driving solo, in the carpool lane. i curse. i spit. i snap my gum. i cut people off in traffic and then flip them off when they honk. basically i'm not good people. but instead of being upset with this, i'm strangely at home with the idea (and with the me).

ed
stealing bits from
grosse pointe blank

ooooh... hangover...

once again woke up with bad taste in mouth, no money in pocket, and bleeding foot... booooo foot... *sigh* it's funnier when gail says it.

ed
wishing he was funnier
... and less hung over
... and better looking
ok, now i'm sad...

sandwiches.... mmmmmm...

so last night as i'm relaxing after a day at job one and getting ready to head out to job two (this already sounds way more like a dr. suess book than i'd like it to) i'm making a grilled cheese sandwich and i'm sooooo hungry that i actually make myself a pbj while i'm waiting for my cheese to grill... did you catch that? i made myself a sandwich to hold me over until i finished making my OTHER sandwich... this is not healthy behavior... physically, mentally, or emotionally...

also, i don't know what the fuck this is, but jay put it on his site and since it's my life long dream to BE him i'm putting it on mine too... CHEW IT!

ed
imagining himself as the meat
in a britney/madonna sandwich
mmmmm... meat.

i hate drunk people (unless they're me...)

there is nothing in the world harder to do than clear a bunch of drunks out of a bar after last call... i pledge to you now that i will never, EVER be the last poor mope out of bar unless i've been shot and bleeding to death in the bathroom...

ed
bleeding to death
on the inside...
y'know, emotionally...

hey you! motivated guy! go invent this!

really really really need a coffee IV right about now. drinking it doesn't seem to have the proper effect.

running... out... of... gas... can't... stop... talking... like... kirk...

absolutely mind-fuckingly tired! worked at bar and shop last 3 days... very little sleep. got home last night at 3am. couldn't get the taste of jager out of my mouth and my toe was bleeding. not my best work.

fell in love with girl at bar, now all i have to do is muster up the sack to ask her out.

now back to your regurlarly scheduled shenanigans.

i think every coffee shop should have an express lane for people who just drink plain coffee. i fucking hate waiting in line behind all these pretty boys and girls who order triple shot half foam low fat capa-mocha-latte-chino with sprinkles. i just wanna get my large, hot, black coffee and go to fucking work. starbucks makes my ass itch... but it's the only place between my place and work so once again the combination of laziness and convenience have doomed me.


ed
drinking shitty coffee that i had to wait forever for

lies... all lies!

here's a bunch of lies if emailed to a girl who broke my heart:

glad to hear that you made it back to the states in one piece. as far as apologies go... don't sweat it. it happened. i was pissed. i wallowed in my own self loathing for a bit and that was that. i wish things could have worked out differently, but they didn't. shit happens. so long as you're happy i guess it all works out for the best. gimme a call some time. i bear no grudges and i'd love to hear about your trip.

ed

now wasn't that fun?

ed
sitting in the back room
pretending to work
crying on the inside...
(i stole this device from jay...do something about it!)

another in a long line of time wasters and carpel tunnelers...

die peasant scum... DIE!! that'll teach you to try and invade my castle!

seriously... i've gotta get some sleep. three more hours of work and i'll get two glorious days off... naps on the couch... cold beer... comic books. basically a fat, single guy's paradise!

also just finished running with scissors which made me want to call my parents and thank them for being normal...

weddings, worries, and leaving a bar sober at 2:30 AM...

best friend alex got married... filled me with aprehension that i will die alone... probably not true, but these sentence fragments are not a good start towards my life of happiness... started new (second) job at bar... have never left a bar that late while still sober before... curious... easy, easy work though. basically i get paid to walk around a bar with a silly looking headset on and tell people where they can and cannot smoke. it's half babysitter, half hall monitor, and half doorman. that's three halves... i should ask for a a raise.

oh yeah... i reached level 9 on curveball with a score of 29000... i was in the fucking zone man. eat that jason.

wrath....WRATH!

this is way more fun than it should be... go boom!

more updates on what i did in chico, why i can't ride a mechanical bull, and how i watched a guy drink a shot from a girl's crotch just as soon as i stop feeling like i'm going to vomit! until then... COURAGE!

sitting on the dock of the bay... wasting time...

here's two things i spent waaaaaay to much time doing today: helicopters and bouncy things. as soon as i get better i'll post my high scores! enjoy!

p.s. thanks to the fine folks over at the you'll all be sorry message board for pointing me towards these. because of you my productivity has been cut in half (and it was already pretty fucking low).

this... may be a mistake...

so i pretty much got the job working security at a bar... i'm not really sure about this to tell you the truth... is it to much of mixing business with pleasure? am i even going to be any good at this? i always feel really insecure whenever i start a new job. which is odd considering how good i am at fake confidence... more news as it happens.